Overheard - My children, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and others.
Child hears his Grandmother saying, "Thank God for everything".
Child: So tell him what it is then nuh, Grandma?
(Child whose grandmother's face had many wrinkles, saw the nursemaid ironing the clothes one day).
Child: Can you please iron out Grandma's face too?
(On seeing the lightning, a child points to the skies).
Child: See, Baby Jesus is playing with his mother's light switch.
(Then on hearing the thunder).
Child: Now he's getting a good spanking.
(Small child drinking his milk was asked by his brother to leave some for him.)
Child: No Joseph, I can't leave any for you because I have to leave some for Pupups (his puppy). But Pupups will leave some for you.
A small child was seen crying in terror. Asked why, he says he doesn't want to die and go to heaven, because he doesn't want to wear those flying things.
A child is visiting her grandmother. The wind blows the window against the wall before she can shut it, and her grandmother says, "Ouch".
Child: Grandma, you say "Ouch"? My Daddy would say "Rahtid!".
(Small boy approaches his younger brother with a stick in his hand).
Older Brother: You see this stick? When I grow up, I'm not going to get married. I'm going to live with my mother and when any thief come to kill her I will just kill him with it.
Younger Brother: I'm sorry though, but I'll have to get married.
Older Brother: Yes, and leave your poor mother for thief to kill her, eh?
Younger Brother: No, I won't leave her, I will live with her all the same.
Older Brother: Oh no. You and that long string of children can't hold in the house.
(Mother with birthday gift for Dad in hand, looks at Dad who seems to have had a little too much to drink the night before and is still sleeping).
Child: Don't give it to him, you hear Mommy, serve him a sauce. Give it to somebody else, for he is too sober.
(Child overhears her Aunt telling her mother that she has finally received her denture, referring to it as a plate).
Auntie, It's not really a plate the dentist put in your mouth. You must mean a saucer?
(Child hears someone referring to her dog as "Half-Alsatian").
What you mean? He can only make a half bark?
(Child sees a cute little puppy for the first time).
How sweet. I wish I was a dog.
(Child who calls his mother "Mae" stood at his gate crying "Mae" as she walked down the road)
He sees a goat kid coming along the road crying "Me-e-eh", and says to the goat, "Your Mae gone out too?"
A small child who was painfully thin was often teased that this was because he lived with his aunt who did not feed him well.
One day he walked up to a meagre dog and said, "You live with your Auntie, too?"
(Two little brothers were stuffing books in a school bag until it was quite full and could hold no more).
1st Brother: Here, put this book in too.
2nd Brother: No, you want my bag to get pregnant, eh ?
(A small child was sitting by a table, looking at a drop of water and thinking of the recently reported murder of a man named John).
He said to his mother: I did not want to be born a human being, you know?
Mother: But why?
Child: I just wanted to be like that little drop of water. Because then nobody couldn't kill me like they kill John.
A small child was told by his mother to go into a room alone, and said he was afraid of seeing a thief.
Mom: No thief is there, they only come by night.
A few days later, the child left the front door open.
Mom: Go and close the door, or a thief will walk straight in.
Child: No thief will come this hour, they only come by night.
Men vs Women
(A small child was asked by her uncle to take two empty bottles to the kitchen).
Child (reluctantly): Men are always asking ladies to do something for them, but ladies don't ask them so often.
(Boy is given a snack by his mother, who tells him, "You are to say 'Thanks' when somebody gives you something to eat". Later, he receives something from his father and does not say thanks).
Father: Aren't you going to say thanks?
Boy: And it is not something to eat?
Child observes his father taking the entire family of six to an ice cream parlour and ordering six Slim Jims. On seeing a picture of a family of fifteen, he exclaims, "Oh my, they must be can hardly go for a Slim Jim".
Small child walks up to her sister and says: It's poke for dinner today.
Bigger sister: The word is not poke, it's perk.
Girl tells small brother to stop fooling around with needle and thread trying to sew, or he'll grow up to be a sissy and not be manly enough for any other occupation but a tailor, where he can't make much money.
Brother: Of course I'll make money, just like our family tailor, all when a nice lady like Mommy walks in with her three sons.
(A small child was being teased by her brother who sat crouched with his hands crossed over his knees).
Child: Don't tease me, you look just like a chicken roasting in the dutchie.
Child who was disappointed that her mother had brought a baby boy home from the hospital told her: "Just call the baby a girl".
A small child had two uncles whom she loved and admired.
One day when she was upset with her Daddy, she said:
Mom, don't marry Daddy any more, marry Uncle Peter.
Mom: But I can't, because he is my brother, and furthermore he is married to Auntie Janet.
Child: Well, marry Uncle Robert then.
A small child was taken to see movies on the school grounds. After the show a crab was seen running among the chairs. Some days after, the child received a puppy on his birthday.
Child: Mom, can the puppy go with us for a sea bath?
Mom: No, he'll drown.
Child: Ah, he can go with us to church?
Mom: No, they won't allow him in.
Child: But he can go with us to pictures (movies)?
Child: Then how the crab went to pictures?
(Child when first realizing he has cousins on two sides, one set each from Mother and Father).
Oh, I just see now, I have two bundles of cousins.
Grandmother says to impatient child: "Wait, hold your horses".
(Child runs for his toy horse).
Child: See, it's not horses I have; it's only one horse.
(Small child just learning the sounds of letters).
Child: L for lamp, B for book, T for teapot and Spee for the spout, K for curtain.
Grandma: No, C is for curtain.
Child: K for car?
Grandma: That is also a C.
Child: Do you know something? C has a problem.
Young mother teaching her child to make the sign of the Cross says:
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Child: Then where is the mother?
(Small child puts on his Grandfather's eyeglasses).
Child: I don't know how Grandpa reads with these things because I can't see a thing.
Please & Thanks
Child says to his mother: Thank you for an apple.
Mother: That's not how you are to say it. You should say please, then when you get it you say, "Thank you".
Child: Well, I have said thanks already, so please for it now.
Small child overhears her father saying too much corruption goes on in Government.
At school the next day her class was asked to define corruption.
Child: It's what goes on in Government.
(Small child visits Grandmother and takes biscuit from dish without asking).
Grandmother: Say please, miss.
The grandmother then had to leave the room. On coming back, she discovered that the child had locked the door. Grandmother knocks at the door.
Child: Want to come in? Say please.
A father tucked his two small kids into bed, and turned off the light telling them, "Now that you have said your night prayers you are to go to sleep, and there must be no sucking of the finger".
Father: John, you are in charge.
John: Yes, Dad.
(Father leaves the room, and listens outside the door).
Jean: Yes, John?
John: Are you sucking your finger?
Jean: No, John.
John: Well, suck it for I am sucking mine.
(Small child singing aloud her favourite song non-stop was jarring her Daddy's nerves).
Daddy: Oh darling, please stop now. You are driving me crazy.
Child: No Daddy, it's not driving, it's singing.